On the extremes of emotionality, men have two options: become an emotionally stunted stoic or spill your feelings to anyone with ears. We suck at nuance. 

The better path was understood by ancient wisdom traditions and confirmed by modern psychology: vulnerability is a tool, not a way of life. It requires the kind of discernment that separates men from boys and leaders from followers.

The anatomy of strategic openness

Real vulnerability requires three things that must be consciously developed by a man: discernment, courage, and purpose. It's not about "getting in touch with your feelings"—it's about deploying emotional honesty precisely as you would any other form of power. 

Carl Jung understood this when he wrote: "Your vision becomes clear when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." The key word here is clear—not clouded by ego, not distorted by victimhood, but strategically honest about what serves growth versus what serves self-indulgence. From the heart, not the head.

When to open the vault

With your allies. The most successful men understand that vulnerability is currency—spend it wisely. If someone hasn't demonstrated loyalty and wisdom through consistent actions, they haven't earned access to your private struggles. 

When it serves others. Strategic vulnerability helps people grow. When you share how you overcame a similar challenge, you're not dumping—you're mentoring. When you admit uncertainty in areas where others are also struggling, you're creating psychological safety. The question isn't "Will this make me feel better?" but "Will this help them become stronger?"

For genuine self-examination. The most dangerous man is the one who lies to himself about his own patterns. If you can't honestly assess your emotional reactions, you're not leading your life—your emotions are. This requires brutal self-honesty.

When to keep your mouth shut

With predators. Some people collect others' weaknesses like trading cards (most people are insecure). They smile while you confess your fears, then use that information to control you later. If someone hasn't proven their character through action, assume they'll use your honesty against you.

When leadership demands strength. Your team doesn't need to know you're terrified about the company's prospects during a crisis. Your children don't need to see you fall apart during their own difficult moments. Sometimes people need you to be the rock, not the river. 

When it serves your ego, not growth. The weakest men are often the most emotionally expressive—not because they're brave, but because they're addicted to the attention that comes with being broken. If your vulnerability is really just elaborate self-pity or a way to avoid taking responsibility, keep it to yourself until you can handle it more maturely. No judgment; it can take time.

The paradox of masculine strength

True masculine strength includes the capacity for appropriate vulnerability. The man who can never open up is as defective as the one who can never shut up. Both are controlled by their emotions—one by suppressing them, the other by indulging them.

The goal isn't to feel less or share more. It's to develop the wisdom to know when emotional honesty serves growth and when emotional restraint does the same. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge uncertainty. Sometimes it is to project confidence while others fall apart.

A simple framework: three questions

Before opening up emotionally, ask yourself three questions:

1. Will this serve the other person or just relieve my burden? If you're dumping to feel better rather than sharing to help someone grow, wait.

2. Has this person earned access to this level of trust? Emotional intimacy, like financial credit, should be extended based on proven reliability.

3. Am I sharing to grow or to get sympathy? Growth-oriented vulnerability seeks feedback and solutions. Sympathy-seeking vulnerability wants validation and comfort.

Master this discernment, and you'll discover what ancient wisdom and modern psychology both confirm: the strongest men aren't those who never break—they're the ones who know exactly when and where breaking serves a purpose greater than themselves.

June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month

Men’s mental health is often left out of the conversation, even though the need is real. A lot of guys are carrying stress, burnout, and emotional pain with no outlet and no support. We're taught to keep it together, to stay strong, to figure it out alone. But that approach doesn’t work, and it’s costing us.

At EVRYMAN, we believe in prioritizing men’s mental health. Not just this month, but year round. When men have a space to be straight up, connect with others, and work through what’s below the surface, they are left with a new sense of self and substantial improvement in their emotional wellbeing.

To honor Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, we’re offering a free month of EVRYMAN membership for anyone who signs up between June 11 and 18. Use promo code BETTERMAN at checkout.

Sign Up Here.

If you're looking to start taking better care of your mental health or want to be part of something more honest and supportive, this is a good place to start.

*Standard membership fee will apply after the one-month free trial unless cancelled before the trial period ends.

Insights

The EVRYMAN Podcast: Exploring Identity with Syed Hussain: Dan Doty and EVRYMAN Member Syed Hussain explore fatherhood, emotional safety, and the power of community in men’s lives. Syed reflects on raising his children as a single dad, the impact of therapy, and how authenticity, presence, and connection have shaped his parenting and purpose. (~50 minute listen)

How do you AI? AI may be built for everyone, but we don’t all use it the same. Abigail Rue asked ChatGPT, Claude, and Perplexity how gender shapes AI behavior, and the results are striking. From caregiving hacks to coding prompts, the data shows women prioritize clarity and connection while men go straight for speed and output. A sharp, thought-provoking look at the social patterns hiding in our search bars. (1 min read)

EVRYMAN Live with Bill Broyles (Recording): From Vietnam to Hollywood, Bill Broyles has lived a life shaped by courage and story. In this EVRYMAN Live session, the Oscar-nominated writer of Cast Away and Apollo 13 opens up about vulnerability, leadership, and the emotional lessons behind his most iconic work. A raw and inspiring hour on what it means to live and lead with heart. (1 hour watch)

Be Mentally Ready for Anything: Mental resilience isn’t just for the battlefield. Drawing on the Army’s Holistic Health and Fitness (H2F) system, this article breaks down three practical strategies: visualization, performance zone awareness, and scheduled mental training. Whether you're prepping for a big moment or managing everyday pressure, these tools help you stay grounded, focused, and ready for anything. (3 min read)

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