How to make friends as an adult

Less than a week ago, Szymon Rączka, wrote a post on X that started with:

“I'm 43 and I have no friends. It's not that I chose not to have friends. I tried to fit in, but somehow I was always the one standing out.”

It was a moment of vulnerability that struck a chord. Within a few days, the post had over five million views and over 8,000 public comments. Rączka, who lives in Poland, received hundreds of direct messages from people all over the world offering to be his friend, including Andrew Huberman, who reached out.

Rączka isn’t alone. Many men struggle with building friendships as an adult. Recently it’s been described as a “friendship recession.” In a 2021 survey, less than half of men said they were truly satisfied with how many friends they had, and 15% of male respondents said they had no close friends at all, which is a 5x increase since 1990. Men are also less likely than women to share personal feelings or rely on friends for emotional support.

Missing out on close male friendships can even have health impacts. Isolation can weaken the immune system and increase the likelihood of health issues like Alzheimer’s, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

Men tend to hold onto the friendships they make early in life. Even when they have outgrown those relationships, it’s sometimes easier to hold on to them than it is to make new friends.

While it can feel hard to make male friends as an adult (we’ve been there ourselves), there are proven strategies that can lead to rich, nourishing friendships.

1. Express gratitude for your friends: It can feel awkward to express gratitude for a male friendship or tell that person what they mean to you, but it doesn’t have to be. Simply expressing appreciation and telling your friends how you feel about them can lead to a deeper sense of connection.

2. Find men and spaces that allow you to open up. Being vulnerable can feel intimidating, but you don’t have to share your deepest feelings right away. It can start with telling someone about one thing you’re struggling with. You might be surprised by how they reciprocate.

3. Be intentional: Making friends in childhood was easier and more organic. But in adulthood, it takes effort. People are busy. Recent research has found that it’s not that people don’t have friends, it’s that we are spending less time with the friends we have. Compared to ten years ago, we spend half as much time with friends today. Making friends as an adult requires consistent effort to initiate and follow-up.

4. Use activities: Look for existing activities or upcoming events as opportunities for connection and bonding. Consider the activities or weekly cadences you routinely love doing, and explore how you might invite a friend to join you.

5. Keep it simple and small: Great friendships don’t happen overnight, and they don’t immediately start as deep and vulnerable. They require regular investments, and those investments can be small. Simple check-ins via text message, a 10 minute call on your drive home from work, or other casual efforts add up over time.

Rączka’s Tweet led to an outpouring of reciprocity from people who not only wanted to be his friend, but wanted his friendship in their own lives. He created a Friendship Board where over 140 people have entered their details in an effort to find other friends.

Your desire for deeper friendships doesn’t need to go viral like Rączka’s did. It can start small. Who might you reach out to today?

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